We all have things in our lives that haunt us, over-whelm us, scare us.... Giants.
Three years ago I tried to sort through boxes of "stuff", all that was left of an 18 year marriage. I couldn't do it, when I opened ONE BOX I felt like I couldn't breath. With all the ice we had last week we were stuck at home. I'm happy to say that I faced the giants and conquered them! For two days Ray and I worked out in the storage shed, he was organizing camping gear, Christmas decorations, clearing the middle of the shed out. I sat in the corner of the shed where there were boxes and boxes containing... well, my life. I was amazed that 10 years later I could still be so affected by items that triggered hurtful memories. But the memories did not control me like they did before. Three years ago, the last time I tried to sort through this stuff, I didn't make it through one box without being overwhelmed by sorrow. Ray told me to put it up and leave it alone for now. While I did shed my fair share of tears last week, the hurt did not have it's control on me any more. There were many happy surprises too, that brought happy tears. Pictures the kids had drawn me, notes from them saying I love you in the most beautiful handwriting of little ones. Programs from school/church concerts and end of year awards. Some things made me laugh. It was a reminder of how quickly our children grow up. As I touched drawings I was brought back to the moment the artist handed me their prized artwork. How I treasure that artwork more than anything.
How I miss my little ones! I am beyond grateful that God blessed me with the 4 amazing children I have. How thankful I am that I enjoyed them while they were little, I'm grateful for the most part I got to stay home with them, working part time jobs that allowed me the opportunity to be there when they got home from school. But how my heart hurts when I think of missing some of the teenage years, especially of my youngest who was only 13 when my marriage collapsed. How I missed the ritual of putting kids to bed, telling them before they went to sleep how much I loved them and waking them up in the morning, even the chaos in the morning trying to get kids to school on time. My heart hurts more than I can bear sometimes when i think of the heartache I caused them. My own regret is yet another giant.
When I was a little girl my older sister, who was a good bit larger than me since I was a scrawny child, would pick on me, often! To protect myself, I would threaten her with my Giant sister. It worked... now my giant sister was not real, I knew it, but she kept my real big sister from beating me up! We are all scared by giants, usually they are hurts or fears that could easily be conquered, but not until we face them. Until David faced Goliath the philistines ran all over the Israelites, they controlled them. Things drastically changed when David stood up to Goliath. David wasn't scared because he knew God was with him. If we remember God is with us, it gives us the confidence to face our own giants and conquer them, with that conquering comes peace, it did for the Isralites and for us when we allow God to help us face our giants and conquer them.
