It's almost 3:00am, everyone has gone to bed but me. Chris, Tim and Georgia met with the youth pastor our kids grew up with tonight to discuss the funeral service for Jason. How my heart is breaking for Chris and Tim and all of us who loved Jason so much. Thursday is the viewing and Friday the Funeral, everything has been decided on, all seems in order. Word has spread that Jason's color was pink... yes, pink. Knowing Jason he settled on that color because it would cause discussion. Regardless, pink will be the dominate color at the funeral. I can just see Jason looking down and saying.. "See, Pink at my funeral, not boring black." I want to chuckle when I think of it. I hope to see a sea of pink on Friday!
I ventured to Jason's facebook hearing that there were some messages from his friends and family. I wept as I read well over a hundred loving messages to Jason, some reminding him of what an impact he'd made on their lives and all telling him what a void he left here on earth. He managed to touch more people in his short life than most people do who live to be old. What a legacy he has left, something his mom and dad can be proud of.
It made me think, what would people say about me if I were to die suddenly, before I "should". I know anyone who's had to work with me will say, "she was the most un-organized person on this earth!" But I also hope that there would be messages like the ones to Jason, telling me that in some way I had made a positive difference in their life, that I'd encouraged them or given the hope. I pray that Jesus can be seen in me through my actions. I hope that if an unbeliever looks at me they want to know more about Jesus because of the kindness I've shown them.
Jason set the bar high, but it's a standard I will strive to live up to. I have no doubt that with all the lives Jason touched it will cause a ripple effect. When you touch one person's life, you don't really realize how many lives you actually touch. I think when we get to heaven we will see how being kind to one person grew to effect many. How exciting it must be for Jason now, I believe he has seen the positive ripple effect he caused and he's hanging with Jesus, it just can't get any better than that! Well, for him at least, for those of us here still, it's devastating. we will continue to miss Jason and all the loved ones who were called home before us.
Bye for now Jason, see you again one day!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
How Can This Be?
I lost my mother to cancer this past August. It was a sad, sad time for my family. I miss her terribly and guess I will continue to, like I still miss my dad, grandmother and sister-in-law.
Yesterday, my best friend heard those words that every parent fears more than anything else in the whole world, "your son is dead". How do you survive? how do you go on breathing?
Jason was working the pipeline in Montana, he'd been working it for several years now and wouldn't be going back after the next lay-off which would be coming any time now. He had a job waiting for him back home, in Newnan. In April he would have a wife and adorable little boy. We had a house rented right on the beach, a huge one with 7 bedrooms to hold all the family! What a party we were planning!!! Instead, we will be all together here in Newnan full of sorrow. How can your heart hurt so badly without collapsing?
His fiance' couldn't reach him Saturday, so called a friend of his and asked them to tell Jason to CALL her! There he discovered Jason dead.
Jason had so much life to live. He was the type of person that excelled in everything he did, he was smart, out-going and full of life. Jason attracted people like honey does flies, you could not help but to like Jason instantly. One tiny case of bad judgment and all his future plans are gone.
I can't quit crying. Jason was like one of my own children, he grew up with my kids. Our families went camping together several times a year. He's family to me. We will have to survive one day at a time. How I dread the funeral, and watching Chris, Georgia, Tim and Christopher face this horrible tragedy. How I will miss his bear hugs when he sees me.
I just read a book " The Noticer". The author describes wisdom as the ability to see the consequences of your actions. Unfortunately we often acquire wisdom as we make mistakes. If only we WOULD gain wisdom from the mistakes of others.
I will see Jason again one day when I go home to be with the Lord. Until then, I will miss him so very much.
Yesterday, my best friend heard those words that every parent fears more than anything else in the whole world, "your son is dead". How do you survive? how do you go on breathing?
Jason was working the pipeline in Montana, he'd been working it for several years now and wouldn't be going back after the next lay-off which would be coming any time now. He had a job waiting for him back home, in Newnan. In April he would have a wife and adorable little boy. We had a house rented right on the beach, a huge one with 7 bedrooms to hold all the family! What a party we were planning!!! Instead, we will be all together here in Newnan full of sorrow. How can your heart hurt so badly without collapsing?
His fiance' couldn't reach him Saturday, so called a friend of his and asked them to tell Jason to CALL her! There he discovered Jason dead.
Jason had so much life to live. He was the type of person that excelled in everything he did, he was smart, out-going and full of life. Jason attracted people like honey does flies, you could not help but to like Jason instantly. One tiny case of bad judgment and all his future plans are gone.
I can't quit crying. Jason was like one of my own children, he grew up with my kids. Our families went camping together several times a year. He's family to me. We will have to survive one day at a time. How I dread the funeral, and watching Chris, Georgia, Tim and Christopher face this horrible tragedy. How I will miss his bear hugs when he sees me.
I just read a book " The Noticer". The author describes wisdom as the ability to see the consequences of your actions. Unfortunately we often acquire wisdom as we make mistakes. If only we WOULD gain wisdom from the mistakes of others.
I will see Jason again one day when I go home to be with the Lord. Until then, I will miss him so very much.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
And THAT is why we have kids!
Ive watched as my daughter's blog has acquired more and more followers, she's had many opportunities to touch so many lives. I decided I wanted to have that opportunity too. I blogged and no one came.... sigh... it's hard to encourage someone if no one is there. I called Meghan and she walked me through "getting the word out" over the phone step by step. I may have eventually figured it out, but my children's generation seems to automatically KNOW how to figure all this stuff out.
I remember 7 years ago when Ray's son talked him into buying surround sound and a 5 DVD player. It sat in the box until Jon made it up to see us and he installed the whole thing without blinking an eye. With more remotes than I can count, Ray and I each figured out how to control certain remote functions. For the longest time we could not watch a movie without each other being there. I knew how to do one thing, he another. We eventually figured it out on our own without our kids being there to walk us step by step, but it's immediate understanding for them.
When I got my new Droid phone I handed it over to my son Ryan and said, fix it how I'd want it. And he did, he uploaded what I would use and showed me how to use the phone. Then my step-sons, son-in-law and my other two boys each added games, applications and gave me lessons on how to use them. I've enjoyed my phone tremendously, but would still be trying to figure out the basic functions had I been left on my own to figure them out.
New computer? Call the kids.... new phone? Call the kids, Entertainment center, camera, Wii, etc... yes, call the kids!
I think it's a fair trade-off... change their diapers when they are babies, cuddle them, feed and tend to them, love them. THEN when you get older they in turn can direct you in how to use your newest technology devices!
I remember 7 years ago when Ray's son talked him into buying surround sound and a 5 DVD player. It sat in the box until Jon made it up to see us and he installed the whole thing without blinking an eye. With more remotes than I can count, Ray and I each figured out how to control certain remote functions. For the longest time we could not watch a movie without each other being there. I knew how to do one thing, he another. We eventually figured it out on our own without our kids being there to walk us step by step, but it's immediate understanding for them.
When I got my new Droid phone I handed it over to my son Ryan and said, fix it how I'd want it. And he did, he uploaded what I would use and showed me how to use the phone. Then my step-sons, son-in-law and my other two boys each added games, applications and gave me lessons on how to use them. I've enjoyed my phone tremendously, but would still be trying to figure out the basic functions had I been left on my own to figure them out.
New computer? Call the kids.... new phone? Call the kids, Entertainment center, camera, Wii, etc... yes, call the kids!
I think it's a fair trade-off... change their diapers when they are babies, cuddle them, feed and tend to them, love them. THEN when you get older they in turn can direct you in how to use your newest technology devices!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Facing the Giants
We all have things in our lives that haunt us, over-whelm us, scare us.... Giants.
Three years ago I tried to sort through boxes of "stuff", all that was left of an 18 year marriage. I couldn't do it, when I opened ONE BOX I felt like I couldn't breath. With all the ice we had last week we were stuck at home. I'm happy to say that I faced the giants and conquered them! For two days Ray and I worked out in the storage shed, he was organizing camping gear, Christmas decorations, clearing the middle of the shed out. I sat in the corner of the shed where there were boxes and boxes containing... well, my life. I was amazed that 10 years later I could still be so affected by items that triggered hurtful memories. But the memories did not control me like they did before. Three years ago, the last time I tried to sort through this stuff, I didn't make it through one box without being overwhelmed by sorrow. Ray told me to put it up and leave it alone for now. While I did shed my fair share of tears last week, the hurt did not have it's control on me any more. There were many happy surprises too, that brought happy tears. Pictures the kids had drawn me, notes from them saying I love you in the most beautiful handwriting of little ones. Programs from school/church concerts and end of year awards. Some things made me laugh. It was a reminder of how quickly our children grow up. As I touched drawings I was brought back to the moment the artist handed me their prized artwork. How I treasure that artwork more than anything.
How I miss my little ones! I am beyond grateful that God blessed me with the 4 amazing children I have. How thankful I am that I enjoyed them while they were little, I'm grateful for the most part I got to stay home with them, working part time jobs that allowed me the opportunity to be there when they got home from school. But how my heart hurts when I think of missing some of the teenage years, especially of my youngest who was only 13 when my marriage collapsed. How I missed the ritual of putting kids to bed, telling them before they went to sleep how much I loved them and waking them up in the morning, even the chaos in the morning trying to get kids to school on time. My heart hurts more than I can bear sometimes when i think of the heartache I caused them. My own regret is yet another giant.
When I was a little girl my older sister, who was a good bit larger than me since I was a scrawny child, would pick on me, often! To protect myself, I would threaten her with my Giant sister. It worked... now my giant sister was not real, I knew it, but she kept my real big sister from beating me up! We are all scared by giants, usually they are hurts or fears that could easily be conquered, but not until we face them. Until David faced Goliath the philistines ran all over the Israelites, they controlled them. Things drastically changed when David stood up to Goliath. David wasn't scared because he knew God was with him. If we remember God is with us, it gives us the confidence to face our own giants and conquer them, with that conquering comes peace, it did for the Isralites and for us when we allow God to help us face our giants and conquer them.
Three years ago I tried to sort through boxes of "stuff", all that was left of an 18 year marriage. I couldn't do it, when I opened ONE BOX I felt like I couldn't breath. With all the ice we had last week we were stuck at home. I'm happy to say that I faced the giants and conquered them! For two days Ray and I worked out in the storage shed, he was organizing camping gear, Christmas decorations, clearing the middle of the shed out. I sat in the corner of the shed where there were boxes and boxes containing... well, my life. I was amazed that 10 years later I could still be so affected by items that triggered hurtful memories. But the memories did not control me like they did before. Three years ago, the last time I tried to sort through this stuff, I didn't make it through one box without being overwhelmed by sorrow. Ray told me to put it up and leave it alone for now. While I did shed my fair share of tears last week, the hurt did not have it's control on me any more. There were many happy surprises too, that brought happy tears. Pictures the kids had drawn me, notes from them saying I love you in the most beautiful handwriting of little ones. Programs from school/church concerts and end of year awards. Some things made me laugh. It was a reminder of how quickly our children grow up. As I touched drawings I was brought back to the moment the artist handed me their prized artwork. How I treasure that artwork more than anything.
How I miss my little ones! I am beyond grateful that God blessed me with the 4 amazing children I have. How thankful I am that I enjoyed them while they were little, I'm grateful for the most part I got to stay home with them, working part time jobs that allowed me the opportunity to be there when they got home from school. But how my heart hurts when I think of missing some of the teenage years, especially of my youngest who was only 13 when my marriage collapsed. How I missed the ritual of putting kids to bed, telling them before they went to sleep how much I loved them and waking them up in the morning, even the chaos in the morning trying to get kids to school on time. My heart hurts more than I can bear sometimes when i think of the heartache I caused them. My own regret is yet another giant.
When I was a little girl my older sister, who was a good bit larger than me since I was a scrawny child, would pick on me, often! To protect myself, I would threaten her with my Giant sister. It worked... now my giant sister was not real, I knew it, but she kept my real big sister from beating me up! We are all scared by giants, usually they are hurts or fears that could easily be conquered, but not until we face them. Until David faced Goliath the philistines ran all over the Israelites, they controlled them. Things drastically changed when David stood up to Goliath. David wasn't scared because he knew God was with him. If we remember God is with us, it gives us the confidence to face our own giants and conquer them, with that conquering comes peace, it did for the Isralites and for us when we allow God to help us face our giants and conquer them.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
What does THAT mean?
Usually my daughter has the "different" dreams, but I had one this morning that tops my list of odd dreams. I'm not sure what to think of it.
I was in bed, lying flat. All of the sudden I had a feeling come over me that I can't explain, it was like electricity in my body and I could see an intense bright spot very far away, I started moving closer to the bright spot and I wondered if Ray could see the look on my face. I tried to raise my hands, but they wouldn't move, I was anticipating being overtaken by the brightness... I thought that must be heaven and this is what it feels like to die and go to heaven. As quickly as the feeling came over me, it left, no bright spot anymore. I woke up. WOW! What do you think of a dream like that? Is God trying to tell me something? reassure me about what happened when my mom died? When Ray woke up I said I had to tell him about the dream I just had, he said I know, I heard you. I asked him what did I say? He said I was moaning. So, what DO you think of a dream like that? I'm sure I won't forget it ever.
I was in bed, lying flat. All of the sudden I had a feeling come over me that I can't explain, it was like electricity in my body and I could see an intense bright spot very far away, I started moving closer to the bright spot and I wondered if Ray could see the look on my face. I tried to raise my hands, but they wouldn't move, I was anticipating being overtaken by the brightness... I thought that must be heaven and this is what it feels like to die and go to heaven. As quickly as the feeling came over me, it left, no bright spot anymore. I woke up. WOW! What do you think of a dream like that? Is God trying to tell me something? reassure me about what happened when my mom died? When Ray woke up I said I had to tell him about the dream I just had, he said I know, I heard you. I asked him what did I say? He said I was moaning. So, what DO you think of a dream like that? I'm sure I won't forget it ever.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Why is it?
Why is it when you commit to something it seems all hell breaks loose giving you hurdles to jump constantly?
I committed, to myself, to lose weight, knowing I need to because of my diabetes so for health reasons which are important. I had lost 12 pounds... took 3 months to do so. Now I find myself just 2 pounds away from where I started. Now, I can blame some of it on my mom's death and the stress eating I did while in Florida for weeks. But one can only blame their circumstances for so long. Sooner or later we have to "buckle up" and accept responsibility in spite of our circumstances. Why is it so difficult to establish a good habit and with the snap of a finger fall into a bad habit? In two weeks I go back to my Dr, I am dreading that. Last time I went she was singing my praises, I'd lost weight, my A1C was more than a point lower, she was proud of me. Well, I was proud of myself! I won't be hearing those praises this next visit. sigh....
For almost a year I felt a tugging at my heart to volunteer with wellspring, which is like a rehab program for victims of human trafficking. Finally, I felt like I could commit to volunteering in some capacity with these girls. As soon as I got a girl to mentor it seems like there were hurdles everywhere! one after another, some hurdles being the situation with my mom, but added to that is the house mother I have tried to deal with. It has been frustrating and I worry that my girl thinks I don't care.
I guess the trick is to keep going regardless. Without hurdles, which we have throughout our life, there would be nothing to encourage us. It's when we over come those hurdles that gives us strength. Toby Mac has a song, "Get Back Up Again", There are some important words to remind not to quit,
"We lose our way,we get back up again
It’s never too late to get back up again
And one day you are gonna’ shine again
You may be knocked down, but not out forever"
So we fall off the wagon, chase the wagon down and get back on, you may get battered and beaten a little trying to jump back ON a moving wagon, but the ride is worth it.
All of this rambling reminds me not to give up on dreams, no dream is realized by being still. I believe with all my heart one day when someone mentions Lost Stork foundation, people will know what you're talking about. What IS lost stork you ask? Google it, it's a "hurdle" that became a ministry.
I committed, to myself, to lose weight, knowing I need to because of my diabetes so for health reasons which are important. I had lost 12 pounds... took 3 months to do so. Now I find myself just 2 pounds away from where I started. Now, I can blame some of it on my mom's death and the stress eating I did while in Florida for weeks. But one can only blame their circumstances for so long. Sooner or later we have to "buckle up" and accept responsibility in spite of our circumstances. Why is it so difficult to establish a good habit and with the snap of a finger fall into a bad habit? In two weeks I go back to my Dr, I am dreading that. Last time I went she was singing my praises, I'd lost weight, my A1C was more than a point lower, she was proud of me. Well, I was proud of myself! I won't be hearing those praises this next visit. sigh....
For almost a year I felt a tugging at my heart to volunteer with wellspring, which is like a rehab program for victims of human trafficking. Finally, I felt like I could commit to volunteering in some capacity with these girls. As soon as I got a girl to mentor it seems like there were hurdles everywhere! one after another, some hurdles being the situation with my mom, but added to that is the house mother I have tried to deal with. It has been frustrating and I worry that my girl thinks I don't care.
I guess the trick is to keep going regardless. Without hurdles, which we have throughout our life, there would be nothing to encourage us. It's when we over come those hurdles that gives us strength. Toby Mac has a song, "Get Back Up Again", There are some important words to remind not to quit,
"We lose our way,we get back up again
It’s never too late to get back up again
And one day you are gonna’ shine again
You may be knocked down, but not out forever"
So we fall off the wagon, chase the wagon down and get back on, you may get battered and beaten a little trying to jump back ON a moving wagon, but the ride is worth it.
All of this rambling reminds me not to give up on dreams, no dream is realized by being still. I believe with all my heart one day when someone mentions Lost Stork foundation, people will know what you're talking about. What IS lost stork you ask? Google it, it's a "hurdle" that became a ministry.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Madelyn Grace
I will never forget October 23, 2010, That is the day Madelyn Grace arrived! It has been so long since I held one of my precious babies for the first time that I almost had forgotten that un-explainable joy that comes with meeting your baby. It's amazing how such a tiny thing can cause a joy that is more huge than the sky! I had the privilege of being with Meghan and Charles as Madddie made her appearance. It was very difficult to watch Meghan in such pain. I even had to leave the room a couple of times to cry. When it came time to FINALLY push, I had the video camera in one hand and my cell phone to take pictures with, in the other, I was shaking and bawling like a baby. Fortunately I didn't do too badly on the videoing. There is a time where you see Charles sideways instead of focusing on Madelyn, but I did get the important stuff. She looks so much like Meghan did at birth, dainty, with super long fingers and toes. You can see Charles in her too, a perfect combination of love. She has the hiccups alot, just like her Uncle Daniel did. I'm so thankful God allowed me to get to St Louis in time to be there.
It's funny how your whole life can change in an instant!
It's funny how your whole life can change in an instant!
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